Day 32: Quick Saturday Thoughts

I don't have a lot of time today, but just a few miscellaneous observations:

• It's a beautiful day.  Although 85 degrees is a bit unseasonably warm, I won't complain.  There was a family reunion in Lincoln today for the Miller side of my wife's family and it was a lovely day to be in the park, listen to the birds sing, feel the gentle breeze and watch the kids play on the playground.  It was a relaxing and enjoyable afternoon, except . . . 

• Family Reunions and fasting don't mix.  The only thing there is more of at a family reunion than family is food.  And lots of it. Fried chicken, bbq sandwiches, deviled eggs, about 15 different salads and a table of desserts nearly as long as the serving line itself.  It all looked delicious, and I'm sure it was, but I had no choice but to excuse myself.  It is one thing sitting and watching other people eat at the dinner table at home, but it is quite another thing to have to both look at and smell the cornucopia of food at a party. Since the weather was so nice, it was perfect for a short walk. Immediately behind the pavilion was a garden to honor all those from Lincoln who have died serving in the military.  It provided a quiet, shady and reflective space for prayer.  It also provided me with a focus as I prayed for peace and for all the families in our world who mourn the loss of their sons and daughters due to the violence caused by war.  

• A worthy re-post.   On Facebook earlier this week a college friend posted a link to a blog whose topic was both timely and thought-provoking.  The post uses the recent Qur'an burning from Terry Jones as a springboard for some thoughts on the great responsibility that both Christians and Muslims have to deepen their relationship with one another based on our worship of the same God.  It offers much good food for thought (darned food metaphors!) on some of the causes of the basic misunderstandings that exist on both sides.  Well worth your time.

• It's almost Sunday . . . ahhhhh.  It will be a delicious ushering in of a fast-free Sunday at 7:57pm tonight as we are having some friends over for dinner.  Croque-Monsieur's are on the menu and I cannot wait.  The world's best grilled cheese sandwich and a little taste of Paris right here in Omaha. I wish you all could come over to enjoy one.  In lieu of that, I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Day 31: Are We There Yet?

Remember on Wednesday when I said "the fasting has become second nature"?  Well, I lied.   Today was the roughest day of the week by far for three reasons:  food, food and prayer.

Today was the retreat for our senior class.  I didn't have much time to stop by today because I was covering classes for a colleague who was working the retreat.  But wouldn't you know, the only time I did have to drop by to see how things were going was during lunch time.  Actually, it was before lunch time . . . I arrived just in time to help get the baked potato bar set up.  I normally have not been very hungry at lunch time lately, but I am also not normally around food midday either.  After that, the rest of the day was a real grind.  Making dinner at home only made matters worse and I found myself watching the clock from about 4:45 until 7:56 (recall as well that today is the first day with 13 hours of daylight).

The whole day was just weird.  I felt out of sync from start to finish and that made itself manifest in my prayer as well.  Being in a different classroom all day, missing my usual time for prayer in the middle of the day and just generally being tired contributed to a day that was, well . . . blah.  Sure, I said little prayers throughout the day, but I did not take the 30 minute chunk of time that I have already grown accustomed to and I really missed it.  Missing that structured prayer time just threw the entire day out of whack.

Most days I am eager to sit down and write about the day's experience.  But this was the first day through all of Lent that I had no idea what to jot down. So this is what you get.  I just told myself to be honest about the experience and to write what I feel, regardless of how dull it turned out.

But perhaps that is today's lesson . . . God is present even in the humdrum dullness of a cloudy, gray, unremarkable day.  A life of faith isn't just about the great days when I border on a state of spiritual euphoria.  And it isn't just about the horrible days when the only one there is to turn to is God.  It's mostly about the places in between that are monotonous, humdrum and altogether tedious . . . the times when I ask, "Are we there yet?"

Day 30: An Encounter With Islam

This evening I had the good fortune to attend a lecture sponsored by Project Interfaith.  The speaker, Tamim Ansary, is an Afghan-American author and the topic of his talk was "An Afghan-American Odyssey: My Bi-Cultural Life in a Post 9-11 World."  He was born in Afghanistan to an Afghan father and American mother but emigrated to the United States in 1964, about the time he was beginning high school.  He did not return again to his native Afghanistan until 2002.

In attendance at the lecture were a number of Muslims, Jews and Christians. While Ansary's observations on the current state of Afghanistan itself may have been bleak, his overall outlook on inter-religious dialog and understanding was very hopeful.  (By way of example, he is a practicing Muslim and his wife is Jewish.)  This is the type of lecture I wish more people took the opportunity to attend.  At a time in history when many in the West are gripped with Islamophobia and see Muslims only through the lens of stereotypes, Ansary put a very human face on the practices of ordinary Muslims in Afghanistan.  His emphasis on the influence of Sufism (his great-great-great grandfather was an influential Afghan Sufi poet) in the life and history of Afghanistan stands in stark contrast to any notion that the Taliban and fundamentalism are indicative of Islam as a whole.

There was much here that nourished the promise that there can be peace and mutual understanding between religions.  He recalled that his father would say that to be a good Muslim one must "be a good neighbor, a good father and a good friend, and not cheat or steal from others," an ethical code which could find a home in all of the world's great religious traditions.  He noted the many similarities between Islam and Judaism (and Christianity, I would add) and that animosities between the Abrahamic faiths tend to be historical and not dogmatic in nature.  He mentioned that the great majority of Muslims feel the same way about Islamic fundamentalists as non-Muslims do.  I often hear critics of Islam say, "Where are the moderate Muslims and why aren't they speaking out?"  Well, I heard a moderate Muslim speak tonight and he was blunt, realistic and optimistic.

I was particularly interested on his thoughts on Ramadan.  He recalled memories of the annual fast in which, while living in Afghanistan as a child, he was too young to participate (although he made attempts, only to find them falter after one or two days).  Fasting created an atmosphere of togetherness within the community.  Rising before sunrise to enjoy breakfast together helped nurture relationships among family members as they shared the experience of Ramadan with one another.  People entered the fast with joy and it was not a "grim ritual."  It became an annual quest for family and neighbors and it was not uncommon to hear Afghans ask one another, "How's the fast going?"  It was a regular topic of conversation even between total strangers.  He remembered sunset when a cannon would fire and signal to everyone that the fast was over.  Together everyone would break the fast by eating a date and then enjoy a feast to such a great extent that it prompted the saying that "everyone gains weight in Ramadan!"

This was truly an evening well spent.  Not only was the topic one which dove-tailed well with my own aspirations for my Lenten Ramadan, but I left with a renewed sense of hope and goodwill.  Perhaps things are not as bad as they typically seem.

Day 29: Four Week Update

The nuts and bolts news after four weeks:

• The new normal?  In many ways the fasting has become second nature.  I'm actually kind of used to it, I guess.  In some ways it really does not seem like that big of a deal anymore.  Don't get me wrong . . . I am in no way entertaining the idea of making this a permanent lifestyle change.  It's just that right now I seem to be getting to a point where I am thinking less and less about eating. Hunger really does not bother me throughout the day and I have become so accustomed to eating late and after everyone else that I have learned to cope and patiently wait it out.  What has intensified are the insights I am receiving throughout each day.

• Rumbling and stumbling.  I apologize if any of my recent entries seem a bit disjointed or rambling.  I am trying to be as honest as I can in conveying my experience without providing too many unnecessary details.  At the same time, I am noticing that my observations are much more open-ended and fluid and not concrete and definitive.  I set out on this journey without any specific expectations of what the fasting would bring and I truly don't know what I am going to write about from one day to the next.  Most of what I jot down is a mere shadow of my overall experience and I am attempting to represent the highlights as well as I can.

• Almsgiving.  I have written much about my prayer and fasting during this Lent but up to this point I have not mentioned a third practice in which Catholics are encouraged to participate during Lent:  almsgiving.  Right now I am thinking that this should somehow be connected to the total value of the lunches I have been forgoing.  I also have been thinking that any donation should go to an organization that works to combat hunger.  Any suggestions?

• Be careful what you wish for.  As of Friday there will be 13 hours of sunlight each day.  At that point an hour and twenty-three minutes of daylight will have been added since Ash Wednesday. Back in February I was sick and tired of all the darkness and I recall being anxious for more daylight.  What was I thinking?!

• And the scale says . . . Looks like I am down another two pounds since last week.  That brings my  total weight loss to nine pounds in four weeks.  Some people say they are starting to notice that I have lost a bit of weight.  

• Thanks again.  I am humbled by the nearly 900 page views in four weeks.  I not only appreciate you showing an interest but your thoughts, prayers and support are also deeply meaningful. Only two and a half weeks remain until Easter!

Day 28: Simple Living From the Inside Out

"'Do you realize that everything that goes into a person from outside

cannot defile, since it enters not the heart . . . But what comes out of a person,

that is what defiles.  From within people, from their hearts, come evil

thoughts . . . '"  (Mk. 7:18-23)

Since I finished writing last night's entry I have felt like a boxer in the ring who keeps getting pummeled by a hard left, hard right and another hard left. It all has to do with the quote about fasting that I concluded with yesterday, "We cover up whatever is inside us with food and other good things, but in fasting these things surface."

The first hard left came courtesy of a passage from Mark's Gospel.  I have mentioned before that in my prayer I have been using Tom Wright's book Mark for Everyone which takes passages from Mark, offers some historical context and then some reflections that help offer some fresh perspectives for today.  Upon reading today's passage (transcribed, in part, at the top of today's post) the notion of "inside" immediately stood out to me.  "We cover up what is inside" . . . "what comes out of a person, that is what defiles."  Yesterday selfishness rose to the forefront as the thing that is inside of me that I choose to ignore.  The passage from Mark seems to reaffirm that thought as selfishness leads to so many decisions and actions that cause pain to others.  It seemed to me then that this may be something I need to examine further.

Then I received the hard right.  A group of students who went on a service trip to the Dominican Republic last summer planned a prayer service for the entire school community today.  The theme of the prayer service was "Fair Trade." Three students spoke eloquently of their encounters with poverty in the DR and each concluded how the experience has changed them forever; how the privilege they enjoy in life causes them to think each and every day about kids their age who are working on banana plantations for next to nothing.  They encouraged us all to nurture an awareness of where our food and clothing come from and to consider buying "Fair Trade" items whenever possible.  

This hit me very hard.  I buy fair trade coffee and, occasionally, fair trade chocolate.  But I cannot think of a single article of clothing that I wear that I can confidently say was not made by a twelve year old child somewhere in Latin America or Asia.  To me, this may be part of the "inside" stuff I am covering up.  How much does my selfishness guide my purchases as a consumer?  Why do I continue to consume without taking the responsibility of learning more?  How can we as a culture continue to ride on the backs of the world's poor who work hard to provide us with the things we 

want both cheap and now?  Making a conscious decision to live more simply had been on my mind the remainder of the day.

And then came the second hard left.  Right before dinner tonight I ran across this article online about . . . you guessed it, living more simply.  Do these kind of connections happen everyday in my life and I just miss them?  Or is Someone trying to tell me something important through this whole fasting business?

I am not in any position right now to make any kind of definitive conclusion about what all this means.  I think seeds are being planted that will take much longer than Lent to germinate.  But perhaps the simplicity of fasting is causing me to look more to the inside, the result of which may have lasting effects on the outside. 

Day 27: Walk This Way

As I packed up my things to leave school today around 3:30pm I thought to myself, "Huh.  I have not felt hungry at all today."  It's true.  Pretty much up to that point I hadn't really thought much about my fasting today.  But then I reminded myself, "Easy there cowboy . . . remember what you get like around 6:00!"  So right then and there I made the commitment that no matter how hungry I would get in the evening I would absolutely not, under any circumstances, allow myself to get crabby tonight.

Our friends with whom we share two meals a week were coming over tonight for dinner.  There were plenty of leftovers from the First Communion weekend and it was nice to share them rather than have things remain uneaten in the refrigerator.  I enjoyed their company immensely and nary a word was spoken about Lenten Ramadan . . . either they're tired of hearing about it or they have gotten used to it.  After dinner Nicholas wanted me to push him on the swing and here is where things got interesting.

I never mentioned that two weeks ago there was a pleasant evening where I was getting ready to take the dog for a walk.  The introvert in me was all geared up for a little quiet time and the Lent in me was looking to take his mind off food, kill some time and maybe pray a bit before dinner.  Just as I was ready to walk out the door, Nicholas asked, "Dad, can I go with you?" And what did I respond?  "Sure!  Let's go!"?  No.  Not me.  I said, "Maybe next time buddy, I'm ready to go now."  "But please Dad, can I go with you?"  I stopped and thought for a split second and then felt like the absolute biggest heel in the world.  What was I thinking?  Here is this energetic, trusting, eager boy of whose universe I am the center literally begging to spend time with me and what did I do?  I rebuked him. Some day I will be begging him to go on walks with me.  He actually wants to spend time with me . . . I should be ecstatic about this!  So we went for a walk and it was wonderful.

So after dinner tonight, recalling the oath to non-crabbiness that I made after school, I did not hesitate to go outside to push Nicholas on the swing.  And after listening to him giggle with glee for a half hour I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. You would have thought I had told him that he just won the Power Ball jackpot . . . he did not stop talking for the next half hour, pointing out every squirrel, rabbit, rock and budding tree along the way.  He was happy just to be with me.  And I was happy just to spend a very special hour with him.

How much is this a microcosm of my entire life in God?  How many times is God offering to walk with me, excited and eager to be part of the journey, only to find me refusing due to some hair-brained idea I have of being able to go it alone?  How many opportunities have I missed because of my selfishness?  I'll tell you how many . . . an entire lifetime of opportunities at the bare minimum.

This brings me to another of the Richard Foster quotes mentioned the other day in Jim Wallis' blog:  "We cover up whatever is inside us with food and other good things, but in fasting these things surface."  I am finding that to be absolutely true.  I am far from perfect, but my fasting has permitted me to be more aware of the selfishness I otherwise choose to ignore.  I have no choice but to admit my weakness and confront it.  In the meantime, I am gradually becoming more open to how God is at work all the time, inviting me to waste some time and just go for a little walk. 

Day 26: A Mini-Easter

Tears welled up in my eyes as I proceeded up the aisle to receive the Eucharist on this Fourth Sunday of Lent.  Although I have received the Sacrament countless times, today it was different; today our oldest son Aidan made his First Communion.  

There were many things that made this day and this weekend special. Because of Aidan's big day we had a small contingency of family spending the weekend with us.  It was a real blessing to spend time with people who mean so much to us, although Saturday evening posed a bit of a challenge.  We hosted a small get-together for dinner at 6:00pm and, needless to say, this came with another one hour and forty-nine minutes until sunset.  Once everyone had their food on their plates (featuring barbecue pulled-pork sandwiches which I had smoked on Friday and the aroma of which had been wafting from the oven all day Saturday) I had every intention of slipping away to the living room to watch the Final Four while everyone ate.  If the food is out of sight, I thought, it would also be out of mind.  Brandi, however, was not about to let me get away with this.  She gave me an "Oh no you don't" kind of look and pulled up another chair to the table.  She was right.  My Lenten Ramadan was my choice and I had previously committed to not letting myself be anti-social while others ate.  Everyone at the table was very understanding and supportive as they asked a few questions about how Lent was going. Admittedly, I felt a bit awkward.  I find it easier to talk about my fast outside of meal time.  I am sure it is just a case of being overly self-conscious (there's that darned ego again) but I sometimes feel like everyone is looking at me while they eat.  Or perhaps they are the ones who feel uncomfortable, like animals in a zoo whose every move is being watched by the weird guy over there.

For many reasons today felt like a glimpse of the Easter to come. Right smack dab in the middle of Lent there was this celebration . . . the joyous event of a First Communion, a church packed with the families of eighty-four second graders, loved ones visiting from out of town, good food and lots of laughter. And because today was Sunday, I was not fasting.  I had been looking forward to today for all the reasons listed above and the day did not disappoint.  It was almost odd how not fasting became a spiritual experience for me today.  I was aware of everything I ate throughout the day, gave thanks for what I ate and was surprised at how little I actually did eat.  Sure, we had a hearty breakfast and we went out to dinner in the evening, but in between there was no grazing or snacking and I was content with that.  To be honest, I was just happy to eat at 9:00am and 6:00pm today . . . it felt much more natural to eat between sunrise and sunset and I was very grateful for this return to normalcy, if only for a day.

Aidan had been a difficult read heading into today.  He tends to be somewhat guarded in his emotions and he seemed rather non-plussed by the proceedings.  We couldn't tell if he was excited, bored or indifferent about First Communion.  But I think he let his true feelings show in a very subtle way. As a gift from my mother-in-law he received a rosary and a small prayer book and he was absolutely mesmerized by these things.  He loves to read and multiple times throughout the day we caught glimpses of him reading from his little book about how to pray the rosary, the parts of the Mass or some other prayers.  It made me smile each time.  For as big as he is getting he is still curious and innocent, warm-hearted and trusting.  He is still my little boy.

On the car ride home from dinner tonight, as the four of us talked about the day, I was graced with this overwhelming sense of contentment.  Riding along with me in that four-wheeled hunk of metal were the three people in this world who mean the most to me and to whom I have been given the greatest responsibility.  Through these three people God has blessed me with the greatest joys I have ever known. There was a moment of silence along the way (one of the few such moments all weekend) and Brandi and I almost simultaneously said aloud, "I love my family."

So that was my "mini-Easter."  A day of celebration and joy and a foreshadowing of a Sunday three weeks from now when "Alleluias" will ring out and life will begin anew.  I give thanks to God for this Lenten journey and how it has filled my heart with gratitude for the often overlooked little things in life.