Day 25: Family, Film and Frustration

Some quick thoughts on a beautiful Spring Saturday morning:

• As I mentioned yesterday, Aidan makes his First Communion on Sunday and we have family staying with us over the weekend.  I won't have much opportunity to get to the computer today since we have a house full of kids and a busy schedule the next two days.

• My day started out well.  Sunrise was at 7:05 and I set the alarm for 6:00, a little earlier than usual for a Saturday morning, so I could get up to eat breakfast.  I hit the snooze bar four times as I slowly awoke while enjoying the sounds of the chirping birds outside the window and quietly reveled in the beauty of Spring. After I ate I walked to the bakery for some donuts for the kids.  It was a very peaceful and quiet early morning.  I am already looking forward to 7:49pm.  I put a pork shoulder on the smoker for four hours yesterday and it is slow cooking in the oven even as we speak.  It smells delicious and it should be a fun evening with great food, family and the Final Four.

• I have been looking forward to seeing the movie Of Gods and Men, a French movie based on a true story about Trappist monks in Algeria who lived peacefully living and serving among their Muslim neighbors until Islamic fundamentalists threaten their security.  I just watched some thoughtful reflections on the movie from James Martin, SJ and now I truly cannot wait to see it.  The video includes several clips from the movie which appears to be as beautifully crafted as it is powerful.   

• As if the news out of Afghanistan of the killing of at least seven UN employees is not disturbing enough, the apparent fact that it was in response to Florida evangelical pastor Terry Jones' burning of a Qur'an is a cause of great frustration.  The murder of innocent people is never justifiable, but neither is the provocation of others by desecrating the sacred texts or objects of their religion.  As a Christian I fail to see how such actions are in accord with a gospel where Jesus teaches his followers to love their enemies.  The only time Jesus ever lifts a finger in protest of religious practices is when it is directed at his own faith tradition and even then his anger is not directed at the sacred but at the profane.  This is truly a distressing development on all accounts.

Day 24: On Discipline

The word "discipline" tends to get a bad rap.  In my mind, at least, it frequently conjures up images of humiliation at the hands of foul-mouthed drill sergeants, parents who micro-manage their child's every move or punishment exacted from some failure or misconduct.  But I am certainly learning the value of discipline in a new way this Lent.

The words "discipline" and "disciple" enjoy the same origins and both are concerned with teaching and instructing.  I bring this word up because one of the Richard Foster quotes from the Jim Wallis article I read yesterday is, "More than any other discipline, fasting reveals the things that control us."  That is certainly a lesson I am learning this Lent.  Discipline does not have to be about being stern, unbending, cruel or self-loathing.  Discipline is an opportunity to teach oneself (or, in the case of fasting, allowing God to teach oneself) what is important in life.  Right now, I would love nothing more than to crack open that bag of potato chips sitting in the kitchen for Aidan's First Communion party tomorrow.  It's Friday afternoon and an ice cold beer sounds delicious too.  A nap sounds like a great idea but we have a household of people en route and there is still some cleaning to do (of course, here I sit writing . . . I'm justifying it by the fact that it would be anti-social to write this later when the company arrives).  These and so many other things that are so available to me whenever I want can certainly have control over me.  Oh, and instead of thinking about food, I could actually take some time to do something productive like pray, play with my kids or read a good book.

What would my life be without discipline?  What kind of person would I be if I just followed my desires whenever I felt like it?  It certainly would not be a life in tune with the gospel since that sort of un-disciplined self would make me a very questionable sort of husband, father, friend, teacher and neighbor. Rather than looking at discipline as some sort of dirty word, I am finding discipline to be a rewarding challenge and an opportunity to learn that, in turn, has the potential to make me a better person.


I have no idea what lessons of self-discipline I will carry with me after this Lent is over.  Perhaps it will be something as simple as learning what I can and cannot live without; what some of the things are that control me.  And that would certainly be a valuable enough lesson to learn.

Day 23: Fasting for a Cause

Fasting is kind of like driving a car.  I don't really pay attention too much to what kinds of cars are on the road until I or someone I know gets a new one. Remarkably, every other car I see on the streets is the same make and model I am riding in at that very moment!  I am not narcissistic enough to think that I am some trend setter and that everyone out there is following my lead. Rather, at times like these my eyes are opened and my senses are heightened to what is around me, most likely due to, well . . . my narcissism, I suppose, and how I tend to compare everything to my own experience.

This is happening to me this Lent on two fronts.  One thing that has increased is my awareness of Islam in the news and I have attempted to bring those moments up within this blog as they arise.  The other thing I am more keenly aware of in the world "out there" is references to fasting.  I received two emails today about this subject.  The first was from a friend who emailed an opinion piece from the New York Times where Mark Bittman, of all things a food writer for the Times, mentions joining a fast in protest of proposed cuts to the US budget that would have a direct impact on WIC (food aid for women, infants and children), foreign food aid and food stamps . . . all issues of food security that effect people who are already struggling enough in these difficult economic times.  (Bittman's commentary also mentions that his fasting is teaching him lessons in "patience and fortitude" and that he is more acutely aware of the many enjoyable odors of the food that he cannot eat . . . I agree on all accounts!)

The very next email I opened was from Sojourners, a Christian organization dedicated to promoting justice in politics.  The email invited me to join in the same fast mentioned in the Times article.  Since I am already fasting, I dedicated my prayer today to those who suffer from chronic hunger and, therefore, would be victimized by these proposed cuts.  I signed up, by the way, and so should you.  If you are interested in checking out this initiative, here's some more information.

But while visiting Sojourners I was also drawn to a short article by Jim Wallis entitled "The Discipline of Fasting."  Wallis refers to the book Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth by Richard Foster and includes a number of short quotes from the book regarding fasting.  I have not read the book, but I found Foster's observations on fasting to be both intriguing and inspiring.  The first thought is, "Our fasting must forever center on God. . . . If our fasting is not unto God we have failed."  That has certainly been a challenge for me this Lent.  I can honestly say that the most memorable days have been when my prayer and attentiveness were focused and sincere.  The days that have been frustrating and interminable have tended to be the days when the focus has been more on me, my stomach and the clock.  Foster has a number of other salient points as well, but this post is already long enough.  Perhaps I will address some of the others in the days to come.

In the meantime, perhaps you may consider a fast for justice?

Day 22: Three Week Update

It has been three weeks since Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lenten Ramadan.  Where has the time gone?  Some miscellaneous thoughts and observations today:

• Even though the camera on my phone can in no way even begin to do it justice, it was a beautiful sunrise on the way to work and the light on the low clouds was lovely.

• Muslims in America:  In the wake of the Peter King hearings three weeks ago there is an increasing amount of attention being paid to Muslims in America in the media.  The Justice Department reports that violence against Muslims (or those perceived to be Muslims) is on the rise in the U.S.  CNN also aired a special just this week which focuses on the resistance toward an attempt to build an Islamic Center in Murfreesboro, TN. (I haven't had a chance to watch the full video yet . . . it is 42 minutes long, but maybe I can catch it tonight.)  My continued prayer throughout my Lenten Ramadan is that people of all faiths, especially here in the U.S., can develop a genuine mutual respect for one another and not see their differences as a cause for anger or suspicion but as an opportunity to understand.  It saddens and concerns me that Christians, who are commanded to love our neighbors as ourselves, are often leading the charge against religious freedom in America.

• Eucharist:  Yesterday posed a situation that should be amended into the "Ground Rules."  We had Mass at school at 11:05am thus affording me the opportunity to receive Communion.  Under no circumstances would I consider this a breaking of the fast since the Eucharist is the "source and summit of the Christian life" (Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1324).  It was actually a more meaningful reception than usual for me.  I was very aware that this was the one and only source of nourishment I would receive for the next eight hours and that spoke to me as being very powerful.  While I am in no way advocating a return to a pre-Vatican II style fast prior to receiving Communion unless that is one's personal choice (it had been required to fast from midnight until reception), in this instance the fast helped me to more greatly appreciate the grace that the Eucharist is for me.

• Leftovers:  I am learning that I am beginning to grow tired of eating what are, for all intents and purposes, "leftovers."  Since the family is generally eating around 5:30 or 6:00 and I am not eating for another 1 1/2 to 2 hours after that, most every dinner I eat is re-heated.  While the food is delicious and is certainly more than most people in this world may enjoy in an entire week, I am looking forward to dinners that are eaten hot and fresh and not nuked in the microwave.  I guess this is my way of saying that the enchiladas were a little "crusty" by the time I got to them last night.

• Too much information?  Perhaps this falls in the "TMI" department, but one thing I am noticing is that drinking large quantities of water after 8:00pm has a (how should I say this?) lingering after effect.  While I have been sleeping soundly lately (I attribute this, at least in part, to being more relaxed and focused through regular prayer), I do find myself waking up more often during the night to visit the loo.  My kidneys seem to be functioning quite properly.

• It's a grind:  Since this week finds Lent nearly at the half-way point (3 weeks down, 3 1/2 more to go!) my fasting, at times, is beginning to feel very tedious.  I don't imagine this is all that unusual.  I can compare it to the school year, I suppose.  When the year is just beginning there is a certain degree of excitement and anticipation surrounding the "newness" of it all.  Near the end of the year a renewed energy level is experienced once again as the promise of summer looms on the horizon. The real problem lies somewhere in the middle.  It is sometimes difficult to get excited in January and February when the world is dark and cold and a certain sense of monotony sets in.  That's kind of where I am, and I imagine many are, in their Lenten observances.  I am going to persevere in this and I look forward to the last three weeks as I crest the hill and gain momentum towards the celebration of the Resurrection at Easter.

• Weight, weight don't tell me:  The weekly weight update . . . I have now lost close to seven pounds in three weeks.  I seem to be losing about two pounds per week, which would mean I may drop as many as fourteen pounds in total by Easter.  Even though this weight loss was not the intent of the fast, it is a welcome side effect.  My pants are certainly fitting much better!

• Thanks again:  Thanks for those of you who stop by every so often and for those who have talked to me about Lenten Ramadan either via email or by asking questions when you see me.  If you like what you read here, tell a friend about it or "Like" it or post a link on Facebook.  I have truly been blessed to share this journey with you as it has been a remarkable experience for me thus far. Through our Lenten (and Ramadan) practices I believe we can all recommit ourselves to be peacemakers in this world and be the children God created us to be, whatever our religious tradition. 

Day 21: From Super Dad to Super Dud

This may sound strange, but waking my kids up in the morning is one of the simple pleasures in my life.  Nicholas wakes up easily.  He almost always flashes me a smile, says "Good morning dad," and then gives me a big hug.  He then latches on piggy-back style and takes a ride on "The Breakfast Express" down the stairs and to the dining room.  Aidan takes a bit more coaxing to wake up and I usually wind up singing some corny song that gets him smiling and ready to go.  For some reason, this morning I woke him up by singing "Still Fighting It" by Ben Folds.  If you are not familiar with the song, it is sung from a father to his young boy and it begins, "Good morning son."  The song then commences to make me tear up every time I hear it. For me it is a song that reminds me about how fleeting these moments with my children are and what great blessings they are from God to me.  Someday these boys will grow up and these precious memories will begin to fade and I will wish I could go back in time to retrieve them.  I'm crying right now just thinking about it.  I don't know why my day had to start with this song but I felt proud of my kids and pleased with the way we parent them.  They are the greatest source of joy in my life.

As the day went on I really struggled with hunger.  Mr. Crabby Pants struck again.  Over the weekend I talked with a friend who has a coworker who is Muslim.  He had told her at some point that Ramadan is difficult for him for two reasons:  everyone is always bringing in snacks to work where he is the only Muslim and he really gets crabby when he gets hungry.  I am glad to see that this problem is not unique to me . . . I must be doing something right!

Tonight was our turn to host our friends for dinner and as I was busy trying to make enchiladas I was hungry.  This was by far the most difficulty I have had cooking and not being able to snack.  And since a really hungry Eric is a really grumpy Eric, I was not happy.  To top it off, approximately every three minutes Nicholas had a question.  With each "Dad" I found myself becoming increasingly irritated.  The same word that brought me such happiness in the morning was now annoying the hell out of me.  "What Nicholas" begat "What Nicholas" which begat "What NOW Nicholas?!"  I had gone from super dad to super dud.  I tried taking a deep breath and saying a short prayer but I wasn't finding much success in that.  I failed miserably at yesterday's notion of needing God more than food.  I truly understood how the Muslim king must have felt. 

So that's the day and I'm not really proud of it.  These moments with my kids won't last forever and I wasted a golden opportunity today.  Tomorrow is another day and perhaps I have learned a lesson.  But if I know me, I wouldn't hold my breath.

  

Day 20: What I Need and What I Want

I found one of the stories shared by our presenter at yesterday's retreat very appropriate for this blog.  Once there was a great Muslim king who had vast wealth and a vast harem of wives to match.  But he was not happy because the woman he truly loved who was not in his harem.  This woman was one of the servant girls in the palace and eventually he made arrangements to marry her as well.  His love for her brought him great joy and her presence made him complete.  But upon their marriage she became very ill.  As the days and weeks passed she became more and more sick until she was near death.  All of the king's doctors attended to her and offered her the greatest treatment available.  At last the doctors reached their conclusion and reported to the king, "Your highness, she is sick because she loves another.  She is in love with one of her fellow servants, a young man in your employ.  If you want her to regain her health you must let her go to be with the true love of her life."  The king did not know what to do because he wanted her for his own, yet would need to let her go for her to be happy and healthy.

And so it is with me.  What is it that I need and how can I separate this from what I want?  Wanting things is not bad in and of itself.  In fact sometimes my wants may mirror my true needs . . . I am tired so I want and need to sleep, I am a parent so I want and need to love and counsel my children, I am hungry so I want and need to eat.  Or do I?  How can I separate the needs and wants?  By nature, I try to convince myself that every want is a need when it truly is not!

Last week my spiritual director summed up fasting for me in this way, "Fasting is a way of saying to God, 'I need you more than I need food.'"  If there is any lesson I am learning today in my fast it is this notion of separating my needs from my wants.  Today has been particularly difficult for a number of reasons.  Due to the Annunciation on Friday and yesterday being Sunday, I have not fasted two out of the past three days.  (I have begun to find Monday's in general to be a challenge because it is basically re-learning to fast again after a day off.)  How quickly I become spoiled!  How quickly my wants become my needs even this far into my journey!  Additionally, today is also Brandi's birthday and the "Tunnel of Fudge" cake I baked yesterday is sitting in the kitchen right now calling my name.

Soon enough.  All I can say is that right now I must really need God.

Day 19: Looking Down, Looking Up, Looking Forward

"I raise my eyes toward the mountains.

From where will my help come?

My help comes from the LORD,

the maker of heaven and earth."  Psalm 121 

What a wonderful opportunity for reflection today as the Ignatian Associate community of Omaha gathered for our annual Lenten retreat.  The setting could not have been more beautiful at the rural retreat center where we spent the day in prayer, reflection and conversation.  There was much that was fruitful from this experience and I imagine that as the week progresses the events of today will play a role in my continued journey this week.  

In the morning we had some free time and I chose to go for a walk in the woods.  The air was cool in a late autumn sort of way and the remnants of yesterday's snow coated the cedars and the forest floor, where slight glimpses of new green could be seen gingerly poking their way through last year's oak leaves and the March snowfall.  It was quiet and peaceful and just what I needed to center myself.  As I climbed over fallen tree trunks and attempted to maintain my balance on the banks of the hollow, I paused from time to time to listen to the birds and watch for signs of life.  After continuing on after one such rest I was startled by the rustling of leaves.  I looked up to see three deer quickly bound up the hill and out of sight.  They had been not ten yards ahead of me!  Had I been looking up as I walked I may have seen them and been able to stop and enjoy their foraging.  But I was looking down.

I am always looking down.

When skiing two weeks ago, I noticed that nearly every fall (and there were many) invariably resulted from looking down at my feet.  When I walk I often find myself staring down at my size thirteen shoes.  I don't know why.  Am I looking for holes in the ground that may cause a twisted ankle?  Am I hanging my head in some subconscious self-deprecation?  Am I so focused on myself that I literally cannot see the forest for the trees?  Whatever the cause, my looking down blinds me to the many mysteries that a simple upward gaze would bring.  I missed the beauty of the deer because I had my head buried in the leaves.  I had found an answer . . . start looking up!

So I started to look up figuring that it would take me beyond myself and toward the Other.

Later in the morning I once again had time for a walk and I headed back to the same area with the intent of, this time, looking up that I might be better prepared to catch the deer again.  I saw something, or rather someone, ahead of me.  It wasn't a deer but rather my best bud Tom.  The two of us began to stroll through the woods together.  Tom is an avid hunter and nature enthusiast.  As we walked he excitedly talked about the many deer tracks he had seen, the turkey feathers he stumbled upon, the large quantities of acorns on the forest floor, the vast abundance of "rubs" where bucks had used their antlers to leave their marks on small trees.  Then it struck me . . . everything he had seen were things that could be found by looking down. "But," I thought to myself, "I'm supposed to be looking up!" 

The Buddha taught that in life there is a "Middle Way" . . . a path between the extremes of indulgence and asceticism where the truth and fulfillment exist.  At today's retreat our director utilized to great success the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15) where the truth lay somewhere between the two extremes of the son who squandered all and the son who played by the rules.  

So maybe I should look up more.  But I shouldn't abandon looking down either.  God is to be found in all places and things . . . if only I can take advantage of the grace filled opportunities to see that which is above and below me, behind and before me, within and without me.

Practical notes:

• "The King's Speech":  Brandi and I finally had the chance to catch this movie last night and enjoyed it immensely.  (Brandi pointed out after today's retreat that it was, in some ways, a Prodigal Son sort of story itself.)  Since the movie started at 6:30, I knew I would be in the theater at sundown.  I snuck in some dates and almonds, set the alarm on my phone to 7:42 (on vibrate, of course) and broke my fast about the time that Bertie and Lionel "broke up" in the park.  Brandi was kind enough to save some popcorn and diet Coke for me too. 

• 15 for 15.  No, I'm not talking about Virginia Commonwealth's hot shooting or Butler's three-point stats.  The question has been asked a couple times if I have messed up yet and eaten before sundown.  So far, of the 15 days that I have attempted to fast I have been able to do so.  I am getting used to the routine of doing this every day but am wondering if it will grow too monotonous by the time Holy Week finally rolls around.

• Developing story . . .  Today's retreat left me with the feeling that, in many ways, my Lenten Ramadan is the most intense and prolonged spiritual experience I have ever had.  Every day is an adventure and each moment is a gift.  More to come . . .