Day 11: The Hardest Day So Far

Without a doubt today has been the most difficult day of my fast so far.  This is the first day since the beginning of Lent where I have been at home the entire day and I already can't take it much longer . . . and there are still 3 hours and 52 minutes until sunset.  Argh!  Since I did not have to go to work today I was able to "sleep in" a bit. Sunrise this morning was at 7:29 so I set the alarm for 7:00, woke up and had a little bit to eat (a couple of dates, three glasses of water and a slice of cold pizza) and then went back to bed for a little while.

I guess it's not until one cannot eat any food that one first realizes exactly how much food is present throughout the day.  I walked the boys to the neighborhood bakery so they could pick out a pastry for breakfast (which looked delicious) and then set about my day.  I had intended to spend time watching the NCAA basketball tournament and reading, but I soon found that I needed to busy myself to take my mind off the hunger which first struck around 11:00.  The happy result is that the kitchen, dining room and living rooms are as clean as they have been in weeks.

I am also experiencing a bit of anticipation knowing that since tomorrow is Sunday I will not be fasting.  I wanted to make a nice dinner tonight so I could break my fast in style so I had to sift through some recipes, check the refrigerator and pantry for ingredients, make a grocery list, take the boys out to the store (Brandi wasn't home) and then come home and proceed to drop onto the floor the $7 jar of tahini paste I just bought, shattering it into roughly four thousand pieces.  Did you notice that each of these activities involved food?  I briefly flirted with the idea of licking the tahini paste off the tile but did not want to risk slicing my tongue on broken glass.  I also decided that I wanted to have a dessert with our dinner and I chose to make a cinnamon coffee cake which I figured could also be used for breakfast tomorrow.  It is in the oven right now and that is why I am writing . . . the scent of baking cinnamon is permeating the house, the kids keep asking me what smells so good and I am just about going mad.  Before I began writing I took about 15 minutes just to be calm, center myself in prayer and read my daily reflection (I have been reading Mark for Everyone by Tom Wright . . . Mark is my favorite Gospel) and that did seem to help somewhat.

I keep trying to tell myself that something about this is good for me.  It is so easy to open the cupboard and pull out a snack, independent of the reality of whether or not I am actually hungry.  So many others do not have that luxury and go without the basics constantly.  "Simplify," I tell myself.

Day 10: A Clarification

It seems I am not the only Christian that had the idea of incorporating a Muslim practice into his Lenten journey.  Things, however, did not turn out very well for Rev. Steve Lawler of St. Louis.  He certainly did seem to have a different approach than what I am attempting to do.

I do want to take this opportunity to clarify what I am doing and to say a little more about why I am doing it.  Back in the autumn my World Religions classes were studying Islam.  I found my students eager to learn about a religion that they had heard much about in the media but of whose practices and beliefs they knew very little.  When we were learning about the Five Pillars of Islam, a number of students were taken aback that someone could fast from sunrise to sunset, a particularly difficult task in the heat and length of summertime days.  It got me to thinking, "We Catholics have really become sissies when it comes to fasting."  Don't get me wrong.  Fasting as a practice certainly is not for everyone (and it may, ultimately, not be for me).  I'm not the kind of person who has to be miserable to be happy and I don't see life as some sort of twisted competition of "I can fast better than you."  But fasting is only required of Catholics two days a year (Ash Wednesday and Good Friday) and even then one is permitted to eat two small meals and a main meal.  Most are familiar with the Catholic practice of abstaining from meat on Friday's during Lent but many are unaware of the tradition of fasting.

Here is the crux of the matter . . . on any given Lenten Friday in Omaha one can go to a wide number of parishes to enjoy a Fish Fry.  The Fish Fry is a wonderful thing . . . it brings the parish together as a community, it is an important fundraiser for many parishes, for some it is a celebration of their Catholic identity and the fish is not half bad.  I very much enjoy going to a good Fish Fry at least once each Lent.  But it is not unusual to find many who approach the Fish Fry with an "all-you-can-eat" or "all-you-can-drink mentality" (beer is typically served at a Fish Fry).  And sometimes this seems to me a contradiction of what Lent is about.  It is a time of sacrifice, reflection and fasting and not a time of over-indulgence.  It is a time of distancing oneself from the things we otherwise use to replace God in our lives.  Add to this the availability of supermarkets, fast food, restaurants and any other number of sources of caloric intake that we have as Americans and I just feel that fasting can teach valuable lessons about conservation, discipline and simplicity.  Personally, I just wanted to have more self-control this Lent and the Muslim practice of Ramadan was intriguing to me based on our study of it.

Let me make this clear . . . I am not pretending to be a Muslim.  I am not converting to Islam.  I am a committed Catholic who deeply respects and admires the rich tradition of my Church and the wonderful community of the baptized to which I am so fortunate to be a part.  I am fully engaged in various forms of Christian prayer throughout this journey.  I mean no offense to Muslims and am not attempting to demean or trivialize their tradition.  On the contrary, after only ten days of fasting from sunrise to sunset I have an ever-increasing respect for the commitment and discipline that it takes for a Muslim to fast in this way for an entire month each and every year of her life.  I pray that people of good will, both Christian and Muslim, can recognize this as an honest effort.

So far this Lent has been one of the most meaningful spiritual experiences God has ever graced me with.  It has come at a time when I was feeling a lot of frustration in general and a desert in my personal prayer in particular and it has revitalized my faith and my awareness in the constant presence of God's Loving Spirit.

Day 9: A Lesson in Humility

"You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye."  (Lk 6:42)

Pardon me if this entry gets a little gross but in some strange way this is how God chose to speak to me today.

Under duress, people who know me would eventually get over their politeness and admit to the fact that one could drive a minivan through the gaps in my teeth.  And not just the top ones, but the bottom ones too (and the bottom ones are important to this story).  On top of that, I have this little issue with calculus (not math in this case, but I did have a major issue with that too.).  I could go to the dentist tomorrow and it would not matter. I would still get this disgusting build-up on the backs of the bottom of my front teeth by the time I got back in the car.  This morning, about an hour into my fast, I noticed this exact thing happening.  Now, despite what images of me this blog may conjure, I am generally not a scrupulous person, but I am so serious about this whole Lenten Ramadan thing that I don't want to take any chances in breaking the fast if I can help it.  As I understand it, nothing can intentionally enter your mouth or the fast is broken.  So, and here's the gross part, I decided not to reach in and scrape it loose with a finger nail because that would have very much been intentional.

This thing annoyed the heck out of me all day long.  I tried all morning in vain to jar it loose with my tongue.  It was bothering me as I went to the chapel to pray and just as I was thinking how tomorrow morning I am definitely going to floss before sunrise to avoid this type of dilemma in the future, the above passage from Luke popped into my mind.  That's when I decided that I would have to come to peace with my oral hygiene issue.  That's also when decided that I would swallow my pride and write about the cavernous gaps between my teeth.  Because I am okay with it.  It is who I am.  And it just might do me good to accept what some may consider a minor physical abnormality in order to learn a lesson in humility.

I've always been drawn to and challenged by Jesus' saying about the speck and the log.  It's hard for me to admit when I'm wrong with my wife, my kids and my students, but I have little problem seeing the mistakes of others that offend me so greatly.  In fact, I am struggling with this very issue right now with someone in my personal life.

Today, my speck wasn't in my eye but in my tooth.  I am the furthest thing from perfect.  I can be downright selfish and I often am.  My ego too often calls the shots.  I am, in short, a hypocrite.  (I will blog at a later time about the internal battle I am having about blogging publicly on fasting in light of Jesus' commentary in Matthew 6 regarding the behavior of "the hypocrites.")  But humility isn't about feeling bad about oneself.  That's humiliation.  Humility isn't about berating oneself.  That's masochism.  Humility is about recognizing the value of others above oneself.  I am not humiliated by my teeth.  I am not beating myself up about them either. But today they became the vehicle for God to grant me this important insight . . . if only I paid as much attention to the needs of others for even a single moment as much as I did to that stupid tartar stuck in my teeth all day long, then I would actually be understanding and living in the Kingdom of God.

Now a couple of comments on the practical . . .

• Mr. Crabby Pants Strikes Again.  In fact, I have not gotten any better with this since Day 7.  It has been four days running since Daylight Savings Time and the extra hour of daylight and I have become no less of a bear in the evenings.  I am fine all day, but this fast really gets hard in the late afternoon/early evening.  From about 5:00 until sunset you had better just stay out of my way.  That is not good.  That is not the purpose of fasting.  I need to work and pray on this because it is not fair to the people who love me.

• Dates are good.  No, not that kind of date . . . I'm married.  It is traditional during Ramadan, at the bare minimum, to eat a couple of dates before sunrise if one is not eating anything else.  Likewise, even if one cannot eat a meal immediately after sunset, one should break the fast as soon as possible by, at least, eating a date.  Yesterday I picked up some dates in case I needed them to break the fast.  This evening I went with Aidan to his Cub Scout meeting which lasted until after sunset.  I took a bottle of water and the dates along with me so I could drink and eat them at 7:32 sharp.  The best thing I ate all day!  Oh, and after I swigged some water and gobbled a date, I promptly dislodged that damned thing from my tooth.

• Happy St. Patrick's Day!  To all my Irish friends, most notably my lovely wife, a happy celebration of the conversion of Ireland!  I always make Irish stew on March 17 and, given the circumstances, it was particularly delicious today.  The Guinness isn't half bad either.

• March Madness.  I have to admit I went with my heart in my brackets . . . Go Boilermakers!   

Day 8: Of Buddhism, One Week and Random Stuff

For today, a few random thoughts and observations:

• "Blue Jean Buddha":  I had a wonderful opportunity to take my World Religions students to a presentation by Sumi Loundon Kim, chaplain for the Buddhist Community at Duke University.  The topic was the history of Buddhism in the US and it was an entertaining and insightful talk.  The event was sponsored by Project Interfaith, an Omaha based initiative doing magnificent work to promote inter-religious understanding and dialog here in Omaha and beyond.  (While by its nature my Lenten Ramadan focuses on Islam, if there is a way other religions and people of good will can become part of this forum, then so be it.)  There were many things noteworthy about the lecture, but one thing I found that related to my fast was Sumi's recollection of her father holding a contest for her and her siblings.  He challenged them to be silent for one minute and to count the sounds they heard.  The one who heard the most sounds in that minute was the "winner."  The point being, so often in life we are not fully present in the moment due to the distractions of attachments, anxieties, ego, etc.  So far this Lenten Ramadan is helping me to be more attentive to the things and people around me . . . I feel more aware of the moment.  Which leads me to . . . 

• A beautiful sunrise!  Unfortunately, I was so enamored by the sunrise on the way to work that I forgot to take a picture to share.  The streaks of pinks and blues and soft whites presented a breathtaking start to my fast today.  The beautiful Nebraska sunsets will almost always provide a fitting close.  (Below is an example of such a sunset from a couple of summers ago.)  God is most certainly good!

• I am not the man I used to be.  A few people have asked what effect Lenten Ramadan is having on my weight.  I did weigh myself on Ash Wednesday and since it has been a week, I will report that I have lost 3 pounds.  According to one website I consulted about how to keep a healthy Ramadan, one should attempt to maintain a constant body weight throughout Ramadan.  If one is already overweight, however, it is acceptable to lose weight during the fast.  Without going into details, according to the Center for Disease Control I am overweight so whatever happens, happens.  I was full last night after eating anyway . . . if I was going to try and maintain my body weight I'd have to gorge myself from sunset until I went to bed and, call me crazy, but that just seems to violate the spirit of what I'm trying to do here.

• Newsflash! I did NOT break the fast yesterday!  In yesterday's entry I indicated that I had a particularly difficult time keeping my fingers out of my mouth (at least four times by my count) and then this morning, only 20 minutes after sunrise I caught myself doing the same.  Needless to say, my day started out with discouragement.  I did some quick research and  according to this website, "to eat or drink in forgetfulness" does not constitute a break of the fast.  (Although I would imagine that it is quite possible that different Muslim scholars may interpret this rule, as well as many others, quite differently).  I can say with total honesty that all my cuticle biting was unintentional and the licking of the tomato from my thumb was force of habit.  I feel confident saying, therefore, that through 7 1/2 days I have yet to break the fast (the lone exception being Sunday, the reasons for which I had previously explained in "The Ground Rules.")

• First Growl.  It may sound like the name of a horror movie, but today was really the first day I made a mental note of the day's first recognizable stomach growl.  It happened at 11:15 when I was listening to Sumi Loundon Kim speak.  It's gonna be a long day.

• And finally . . .  One may notice that this post is occurring earlier than the others this week.  I am going to attempt, when possible, to post at different times of the day.  I think I will have a different perspective to offer on the fast if I post during the day, for example, than I would at the end of the day after the fast is broken.  Inshallah.

Day 7: Mr. Crabby Pants

I hate shopping malls. I really do. Sticking my tongue to an ice cold flag pole sounds more enticing than a trip to the mall.  But about ten years ago, shortly after my wife and I were newly married and before we had children, I recall a particular excursion to the mall that was worse than most.  We had been out for untold hours doing Christmas shopping and I was really, really grumpy.  I recall Brandi looking at me and saying, "You're hungry, aren't you?" "Yeah, I guess.  How do you know?" I responded.  "Because you're crabby and you're driving me nuts!" was her response.  That day I learned something about myself that I had never paid much attention to before and something that has become sort of a family joke ever since:  If Eric doesn't eat, Eric isn't happy.  

I knew this about myself heading into this adventure and so far have been able to fight off being a Grumpy Gus, but all that changed today.  About 5:00pm I was hungry.  Really hungry.  Not hungry enough to throw all caution to the wind and raid the refrigerator, but hungry enough to have been "shopping mall crabby."  I had told myself when I started this fast that it was my choice to do this and I was not going to let myself get grumpy when I wanted to eat.  I didn't do a very good job of that today and wasn't overly cordial when Brandi came home.  To her eternal credit  (she called it years ago at the mall, after all) she let me have my space.

I decided I needed to do something to take my mind off not being able to eat for another 2 1/2 hours.  It was a beautiful day, about 60 degrees, so I decided to go outside and do the one thing that would certainly cure my hunger . . . clean up four months worth of land mines in the back yard.  Bailey, our English Springer Spaniel, had apparently been very busy throughout the winter.  Well, 45 minutes and 3 1/2 grocery bags later,  I had a clean(er) yard, a change of attitude and a non-existent appetite.  There is a bit of an ironic twist here regarding Lenten Ramadan.  For most Muslims dogs are considered unclean animals and are rarely kept as pets.  For the moment at least, I can perhaps see why.

I made it through the day though.  Brandi was kind enough to wait and eat with me at 7:30.  She even commented that she didn't mind it because it made the evening seem less rushed and a bit more relaxing.  So, after a full week, I have managed to keep the fast.  In some ways today was more of a challenge than anything over our ski vacation.  At that time it was a new challenge and I was geared to go, but I have a feeling I will experience this type of test more frequently in the not so distant future.  But hey, there's only 5 1/2 more weeks to go!

One more note about fasting today.  I did have a little problem that was new.  Today I caught myself putting something in my mouth not once, not twice . . . but five times.  And up until now I had been able to, as Frank Costanza might say, "stop short."  Once it was the end of a pen, three times a fingernail that was bothering me and the last was a quick lick of my fingers after slicing a tomato for the boys' dinner.  Technically, this is a break of the fast and I would have to fast an extra day, but since Lent is already longer than Ramadan, I guess I have plenty of cushion built in for such mistakes.  (If you are keeping count you may want to note this was "oops" #1.)  I find it interesting how often I must do such things over the course of an ordinary day almost subconsciously, without even thinking about it.  I will be much more vigilant about this tomorrow.

Day 6: Back to Reality

"Jesus took her by the hand and said to her, 'Talitha cum,' which means, 'Little girl, get up!'

(Mk 5:41)

Today is the first day of "real life" with my Lenten Ramadan.  The normal routine of getting kids ready and off to school, going to school myself, coming home, feeding the family and all the thousand other little things that happen each day were viewed today through the lens of my fast.  I was graced today with several insights, both spiritual and practical. 

Let's start with the spiritual . . . 

There were many grace filled moments today: a thoughtful postcard from current students, a visit from a former student and the gorgeous weather to name but a few.  But perhaps the most inspiring thing happened during lunch.  Well, it happened during what ordinarily would be my lunch.  I have made the decision that during lunch time throughout Lent I will spend time in prayer in our beautiful chapel. (This is no small sacrifice as sharing companionship with my colleagues at lunch is often one of the highlights of my day!)  As I sat in the choir loft in the chapel, a sophomore began playing the piano in the front without knowing I was there.  The soft echo of the piano in that sacred space was soothing, uplifting and George Winston-esque.  She used no sheet music as she masterfully manipulated the keyboard  with great emotion and I felt a deep gratitude for the many talents that are present in our community.  As she played, my attention was drawn to a stained glass window depicting the raising of Jairus' daughter (Mk 5: 21-24, 35-43):

The piano provided a soundtrack of hope and joy as I reflected on the experience of Jesus reaching out to Jairus' little girl.  As she was ushered from death to life, from brokenness to wholeness, I was overwhelmed with the hope and joy that both she and her family must have experienced.  I saw in this 12 year old girl my students and my own children.  I saw in her all of humanity, all of us the children of the same loving God. And I saw what Christ desires for each of us . . . joy, hope, life, wholeness.  He gently reaches out to us, takes us by the hand and invites us to put the past behind and begin anew. (Even as I write this I am deeply saddened by the news from Japan in the wake of Friday's earthquake and tsunami; evidence of the brokenness in our world.  While I can have no explanation for this tragedy, I have the hope that even in our darkest hours he is reaching out to us to offer us comfort, peace and life.)

And now to the practical . . . 

After Jairus' little girl arises, what does Jesus order the family to do?  That's right!  Give her food!  Amen to that!

As I noted yesterday, Daylight Savings Time pushed sunset up to 7:29 pm today . . . blech.  It was a long wait, but not too difficult.  The greatest challenge was in preparing dinner.  I usually do the cooking at home and since I  certainly do not expect my family to wait and eat so late, it was business as usual.  Now, one of the things I enjoy most about cooking is the "pre-meal meal" of taste-testing, finger-licking and general grazing.  But of course, during Ramadan nothing is to enter the mouth until sunset.  So much for the finger-licking.  I must have the cleanest hands in the neighborhood right now because I kept washing them every time they came into contact with food!  (Have you ever made guacamole without making a huge and delicious mess?!)  Aidan isn't feeling well so I sat down with Brandi and Nicholas and enjoyed conversation about our day while they ate.  An hour later I had my chance and, as yummy as the guacamole was, the best part of my meal was the five glasses of ice cold water that accompanied it.

Day 5: The Long and Winding Road

Just walked in the door after driving all day from Winter Park.  Since it was a Sunday, the Day of the Resurrection, I did not observe the fast today, but since I was in the car that really didn't matter all that much.  I was consciously aware of everything I ate today.  And I have a bit of a confession to make . . . I ate at McDonald's for the first time in at least 3 years.

Skiing wiped me out because I frequently wiped out.  My aching hip makes me look like I'm 90 when I walk, I feel like I've been punched in the chest and my muscles lost their collective bargaining rights and have walked out on the job.

Today, of course, we "sprung forward" thanks to daylight savings time.  While I am usually all for having sunshine later in the day, this could prove to be quite problematic.  Sunset today was around 7:30 pm.  And I thought it was a challenge making it to 6:00!  We shall see what tomorrow brings.