Day 27: Walk This Way

As I packed up my things to leave school today around 3:30pm I thought to myself, "Huh.  I have not felt hungry at all today."  It's true.  Pretty much up to that point I hadn't really thought much about my fasting today.  But then I reminded myself, "Easy there cowboy . . . remember what you get like around 6:00!"  So right then and there I made the commitment that no matter how hungry I would get in the evening I would absolutely not, under any circumstances, allow myself to get crabby tonight.

Our friends with whom we share two meals a week were coming over tonight for dinner.  There were plenty of leftovers from the First Communion weekend and it was nice to share them rather than have things remain uneaten in the refrigerator.  I enjoyed their company immensely and nary a word was spoken about Lenten Ramadan . . . either they're tired of hearing about it or they have gotten used to it.  After dinner Nicholas wanted me to push him on the swing and here is where things got interesting.

I never mentioned that two weeks ago there was a pleasant evening where I was getting ready to take the dog for a walk.  The introvert in me was all geared up for a little quiet time and the Lent in me was looking to take his mind off food, kill some time and maybe pray a bit before dinner.  Just as I was ready to walk out the door, Nicholas asked, "Dad, can I go with you?" And what did I respond?  "Sure!  Let's go!"?  No.  Not me.  I said, "Maybe next time buddy, I'm ready to go now."  "But please Dad, can I go with you?"  I stopped and thought for a split second and then felt like the absolute biggest heel in the world.  What was I thinking?  Here is this energetic, trusting, eager boy of whose universe I am the center literally begging to spend time with me and what did I do?  I rebuked him. Some day I will be begging him to go on walks with me.  He actually wants to spend time with me . . . I should be ecstatic about this!  So we went for a walk and it was wonderful.

So after dinner tonight, recalling the oath to non-crabbiness that I made after school, I did not hesitate to go outside to push Nicholas on the swing.  And after listening to him giggle with glee for a half hour I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. You would have thought I had told him that he just won the Power Ball jackpot . . . he did not stop talking for the next half hour, pointing out every squirrel, rabbit, rock and budding tree along the way.  He was happy just to be with me.  And I was happy just to spend a very special hour with him.

How much is this a microcosm of my entire life in God?  How many times is God offering to walk with me, excited and eager to be part of the journey, only to find me refusing due to some hair-brained idea I have of being able to go it alone?  How many opportunities have I missed because of my selfishness?  I'll tell you how many . . . an entire lifetime of opportunities at the bare minimum.

This brings me to another of the Richard Foster quotes mentioned the other day in Jim Wallis' blog:  "We cover up whatever is inside us with food and other good things, but in fasting these things surface."  I am finding that to be absolutely true.  I am far from perfect, but my fasting has permitted me to be more aware of the selfishness I otherwise choose to ignore.  I have no choice but to admit my weakness and confront it.  In the meantime, I am gradually becoming more open to how God is at work all the time, inviting me to waste some time and just go for a little walk.