Day 20: What I Need and What I Want

I found one of the stories shared by our presenter at yesterday's retreat very appropriate for this blog.  Once there was a great Muslim king who had vast wealth and a vast harem of wives to match.  But he was not happy because the woman he truly loved who was not in his harem.  This woman was one of the servant girls in the palace and eventually he made arrangements to marry her as well.  His love for her brought him great joy and her presence made him complete.  But upon their marriage she became very ill.  As the days and weeks passed she became more and more sick until she was near death.  All of the king's doctors attended to her and offered her the greatest treatment available.  At last the doctors reached their conclusion and reported to the king, "Your highness, she is sick because she loves another.  She is in love with one of her fellow servants, a young man in your employ.  If you want her to regain her health you must let her go to be with the true love of her life."  The king did not know what to do because he wanted her for his own, yet would need to let her go for her to be happy and healthy.

And so it is with me.  What is it that I need and how can I separate this from what I want?  Wanting things is not bad in and of itself.  In fact sometimes my wants may mirror my true needs . . . I am tired so I want and need to sleep, I am a parent so I want and need to love and counsel my children, I am hungry so I want and need to eat.  Or do I?  How can I separate the needs and wants?  By nature, I try to convince myself that every want is a need when it truly is not!

Last week my spiritual director summed up fasting for me in this way, "Fasting is a way of saying to God, 'I need you more than I need food.'"  If there is any lesson I am learning today in my fast it is this notion of separating my needs from my wants.  Today has been particularly difficult for a number of reasons.  Due to the Annunciation on Friday and yesterday being Sunday, I have not fasted two out of the past three days.  (I have begun to find Monday's in general to be a challenge because it is basically re-learning to fast again after a day off.)  How quickly I become spoiled!  How quickly my wants become my needs even this far into my journey!  Additionally, today is also Brandi's birthday and the "Tunnel of Fudge" cake I baked yesterday is sitting in the kitchen right now calling my name.

Soon enough.  All I can say is that right now I must really need God.