Without a doubt today has been the most difficult day of my fast so far. This is the first day since the beginning of Lent where I have been at home the entire day and I already can't take it much longer . . . and there are still 3 hours and 52 minutes until sunset. Argh! Since I did not have to go to work today I was able to "sleep in" a bit. Sunrise this morning was at 7:29 so I set the alarm for 7:00, woke up and had a little bit to eat (a couple of dates, three glasses of water and a slice of cold pizza) and then went back to bed for a little while.
I guess it's not until one cannot eat any food that one first realizes exactly how much food is present throughout the day. I walked the boys to the neighborhood bakery so they could pick out a pastry for breakfast (which looked delicious) and then set about my day. I had intended to spend time watching the NCAA basketball tournament and reading, but I soon found that I needed to busy myself to take my mind off the hunger which first struck around 11:00. The happy result is that the kitchen, dining room and living rooms are as clean as they have been in weeks.
I am also experiencing a bit of anticipation knowing that since tomorrow is Sunday I will not be fasting. I wanted to make a nice dinner tonight so I could break my fast in style so I had to sift through some recipes, check the refrigerator and pantry for ingredients, make a grocery list, take the boys out to the store (Brandi wasn't home) and then come home and proceed to drop onto the floor the $7 jar of tahini paste I just bought, shattering it into roughly four thousand pieces. Did you notice that each of these activities involved food? I briefly flirted with the idea of licking the tahini paste off the tile but did not want to risk slicing my tongue on broken glass. I also decided that I wanted to have a dessert with our dinner and I chose to make a cinnamon coffee cake which I figured could also be used for breakfast tomorrow. It is in the oven right now and that is why I am writing . . . the scent of baking cinnamon is permeating the house, the kids keep asking me what smells so good and I am just about going mad. Before I began writing I took about 15 minutes just to be calm, center myself in prayer and read my daily reflection (I have been reading Mark for Everyone by Tom Wright . . . Mark is my favorite Gospel) and that did seem to help somewhat.
I keep trying to tell myself that something about this is good for me. It is so easy to open the cupboard and pull out a snack, independent of the reality of whether or not I am actually hungry. So many others do not have that luxury and go without the basics constantly. "Simplify," I tell myself.
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